rastrau's Journal

Can't buy me happiness
So apparently this time its been 96 weeks since I last posted on here! Take that 50 week absence!

There's no way I can or will recap life in the meantime. Too much has happened, too much is forgotten, too much isn't even relevant. Then again, I suppose it all is - relevant anyway.

I don't know why I choose to admit this on a web page that I rarely ever grace with my participation, but I have not been very happy lately. I'm working on it though.

Happiness and unhappiness are tough things to pinpoint. There isn't a true definition, just what you think you are supposed to feel because that is what you have been brought up to expect. I think that in several ways I feel let down by the world. A familiar feeling to most of its inhabitants, I'm sure. Eh, writing is cathartic so let's give it a shot. I can already anticipate its going to be quite the ramble.

My generation (technically in between X and Y but considered Y for all intents and purposes) was a unique generation in many ways. Psychological methods and educational policy became more child-centric and hands on. The spirit of the child became important, not just what could be regurgitated on tests, etc. I was told that I could be anything I wanted when I grew up - a lie that's told to every child from the beginning of time to the end. Sure, the potential is there to be anything you want, but I wanted to be a princess and that wasn't gonna happen, regardless of the fact Prince William is the same age as me. Then I wanted to be a racing jockey and standing 5'6" at 11 years old -> that wasn't going to happen either. Unfortunately, however, you cannot put the limits of reality on childhood imagination.

And its the limits of reality that I have a hard time with. Why can't I have the things that I want? What's so unreasonable about wanting a $700,000+ tri-level loft apartment inside a refurbished church? Well, reality tells me that what is unreasonable is the fact that I cannot afford it and facing the facts, I may never be able to. Well, why the hell not??! What happened to opportunity? What happened to MY opportunities??

Part of the problem with accepting reality is that no one ever told us we had to. To be fair, its sort of this implied thing, but you'd be surprised at how many people miss/ignore the things in life that are not explicit. I've discussed this with several people who have traveled most of the last 8 years with me and they agree - we were spoiled in certain ways by the ideas of society and progression and now its biting us in the ass, but no one cares. Society did its part by making us all "functional" adults and its done with us.

Out of all of the people I knew in college - and really that's the time that you know the most people, isn't it? - three work in their chosen profession. Three and none of them are me. In college you're told that you have this incredible life out there just waiting for you to start it. You'll have a job when you leave. You deserve a minimum of $32,000 salary just for completing college. More importantly, that $50/$70/$100K education you're about to start paying for wasn't a waste, we prepared you for life!

They prepared me for nothing. As I stated in my senior thesis, what I gleaned from the English Department is that if I can successfully quote authors, texts and theories at a cocktail party post-graduation, I am a success. I got an A on that paper. None of that got me a job, though. I didn't leave there knowing how to pay rent, I left knowing how to skip class and take part of my rent money to Springfield for a shopping spree with my equally financially-irresponsible roommate. I left knowing that I can ace a test so hungover I never removed my sunglasses and write a 5-page paper in the 75 minutes previous to class and still get a better grade than almost everyone else.

But its not like I want to go back. That's not it. I just wish that I had a better idea of the truth before making certain decisions. We were somehow given the idea that the things we want should either be there for the taking when we want them or simply handed to us. The crashing reality has started hitting many of us and we all concur - we were not prepared.

Each generation has its moment of recognition, realization and reality. I think that what makes this harder is the circumstances of unrest and instability its all happening in. Finally learning to understand the difference between want and reality is pretty hard to handle when its happening concurrent with economic depression and massive inflation. Prices are going up right before my eyes, how can I ever hope to achieve what my parents had? Traditionally children should desire to surpass their parents. In light of everything, I just hope that one day I can get close to what they have. But as the prices go up, my bank account goes down and those dreams move farther away. I daydream of winning the lottery - who doesn't - as if that would solve everything.

Winning the lottery won't get me into grad school, it won't get me a job that I'll be happy in 15 years from now. But it just might get me that tri-level loft....

There's more, but I've said enough already. Like I said, I've been discussing this with contemporaries and some older folks. Its been tumbling in the back of my mind for a while. But to a certain extent, though I am looking for causes and triggers, all I've done is find a way to scapegoat intangible ideological constructs and that will do nothing for me in the long run.

So, like I said, I am working on it. I realize at some point I am going to have to be okay with the things I can't change and try to change the things that I can. Right now I am working on the "can". My own behavior contributes to this ennui just as much as society - so that's what I am changing. Its like a whole overhaul, but not. Some things are going back to the way they were, some are new and improved. Eating habits, social habits, work habits - they could all use a work out and so that's what I am going to give them.

Hey! Whaddya know? I feel better!

Current Mood: contemplative

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